Fun With CBS

Since Auburn wasn't in the SEC Championship Game on Saturday, I had to do something to make it a little more exciting. I decided to come up with an SEC on CBS drinking game, much like the Bob Newhart Show drinking game.

This task seems simple enough, but creating a drinking game is more difficult than you would think. There are several rules you need to follow when creating a drinking game.

1. The drinking should be steady throughout the duration of the game, with not much downtime in between drinks.
2. All "players" should be able to make it to the end of the game.
3. There needs to be enough drinking to get everyone drunk.
4. There has to be balance, meaning all drinking doesn't occur in only one part of the game. This goes back to rule number one.
5. No one drives after playing the game!

I know that seems simple enough, but it really isn't. Have you ever tried to come up with a drinking game using TV or movies? If you have, you probably had to alter the rules at some point in the game because there wasn't enough, or there was too much drinking.

What makes this even harder is the length of football games, which are a good bit longer than most movies. I wanted to be able to see the final whistle, even if in double vision.

There was one final element to the game that I wanted to add. I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy it, so I left out anything play-related.

Here are the basic rules that I came up with:

Take a drink when the following happens:

• Verne Lundquist laughs.
• Gary Danielson mentions mentions "modern day football". This can also be "modern football", really, any combination with "modern" and "football" in it.
• The announcers mention other CBS shows.
• Gary states something obvious. ie. "If he drops the ball, it's a fumble."

Take two drinks when the following happens:

• They go back to the studio with Tim Brando and Spencer Tillman.
• They go to the sideline with Tracy.
• Integrated sponsor names are mentioned. ie. Aflac Trivia Question, Home Depot Penalty Comparison, etc. . .

Finish your current drink when the following happens:

• Someone mentions "BCS".
• Verne or Gary says "my goodness" or "my gracious".
• Someone mentions that Gary played Purdue.
• Someone mentions that Gary played in the NFL.
• Verne calls a player the wrong name.

Drink an entire 500 ml bottle of Listerine (the yellow kind) when the following happens:

• Verne, Gary, or Tracy says anything remotely intelligent.

It's always fun to throw in a rule that will never be used.

With the rules laid, I played the game. Needless to say, I spent halftime wandering around the front yard with my pants around my ankles. I got to visit Brookwood Medical Center to have my stomach pumped sometime during the third quarter. I don't know.

Things are a little fuzzy, but I think it was Gary Danielson's "modern day football" comments that did me in, because they usually followed by Verne laughing.

I finally watched the fourth quarter. It was then that I heard one of the dumbest statements ever uttered by someone calling a college football game, and that includes Pam Ward. Verne Lundquist said that the chop block on Dorsey against Auburn cost LSU a chance at going to the National Championship game. Of course, Gary agreed.

I'm not going to go into why that comment was so...idiotic. Chances are, if you need it explained to you, you wouldn't be able to read my blog anyway.