SEC vs. 1-AA - Does it get any better?

There's nothing like some jackass telling you who's going to do what before it happens, and I'm no jackass. I don't claim to have super powers. I mean, I have them, but claiming them would make me look pompous. With that said, sit down and let this pompous jackass tell you what's going to happen this week.

SEC East

Florida vs. Western Kentucky - Well, at least Western Kentucky is 1A now. Last season, they were 6-4 in 1-AA play. They also had a loss to Georgia (48-12), which brings up the question, "How in the hell does a team like Georgia allow a 1-AA team to get a safety!?!" Back on topic, Tebow won't be tested and I'm sure he won't play a down in the second half.
Gators 56 - Giant Red Blobs 7

South Carolina vs. Louisiana Laffayette - South Carolina plays host to Sun Belt juggernaut, Louisiana Laffayette. Bold move, Spurrier, bold move. Will Smelley, whose name will be said with delight by everyone, be able to handle one of the worst defenses in 1-A? After all, Mitchell is suspended. I have a hunch that Smelley will do fine.
Cocks 38 - Ragin' Drunks 13

Tennessee at California - Wow, an actual opponent! I don't think there are too many Krispy Kremes in Los Angeles, so Fulmer won't be in full form. But the Vols downfall could very well be Eric Ainge's jammed pinky finger. Wait...what!?! Are you fucking kidding me!? A jammed pinky finger!? It's time for stick man to put on his big-girl panties and play some ball. Wearing panties is more accepted in LA, so Ainge will feel more relaxed.
Orange Panties 21 - Over-rateds 17

Kentucky vs. Eastern Kentucky - Eastern Kentucky? You know they're jealous as hell now that Western Kentucky has made it to the big time. Who would have thought that there were that many schools in that state with football teams? I don't know anything about Eastern Kentucky other than their mascot (Colonels), and I don't care to.
Shats 34 - Sanders' Brigade 0

Georgia vs. Oklahoma State - If only Richt could harness the awesomeness that is Joe Kines, for he knows how to beat Oklahoma State.

No one, including Bama players, can understand the incoherent ramblings of a mad genius such as Kines. That's why Bama lost that game (along with 100 other excuses their fans could come up with). And it's for this reason that UGA will fall this weekend.
Chap-wearers 28 - Dawgs 24

Vanderbilt vs. Richmond - Okay, so we have another 1-AA patsy. Richmond did beat Duke last season 13-0, but so did everyone else who played them. Never the less, a very rare occurrence will take place Saturday...Vandy will be undefeated! They've only won four openers since 1990, and three of those were against Wake Forest. Johnson needs to get on the horn about next years schedule, stat!
Funny Hats 28 - Arachnids 0

SEC West

LSU at MSU - There is no stadium more dreaded in the SEC than MSU's Davis Wade Stadium...by the fans. This place is about as intimidating as Mike Shula in a tutu. This is almost as bad as scheduling a 1-AA patsy for the first game.
Corndogs 42 - Croomdogs 3

Auburn vs. Kansas State - Tuberville typically lays an egg in these situations, but last years win over a mediocre Washington State gives Auburn fans some hope. Even still, KSU has a reputation for upsetting the favored team. Ask any Oklahoma or Texas fan, and they'll tell you. The fact that this is a night game, which is very key, at Jordan-Hare will be the difference.
Tigers 21 - Grapes 9

Arkansas vs. Troy - Could this be another upset opener by Troy? They have a great QB in Haugabook. Nutt's a damn moron, too. However, the Jones / McFadden combo is too much for most SEC teams, let alone a Sun Belt powerhouse like Troy.
Bacon 35 - Condoms 28

Alabama vs. Western Carolina - A patsy non-conference game in Tuscaloosa? The Bear would be proud! I wager that over a million Bama fans will order this slug-fest on PPV. Sara Jessica Parker Wilson better watch out. Western Carolina likes to play tricks by placing invisible tripwires on the field. I'm sure Brodie has warned him about it. Saban beats an extremely underrated 1-AA team and solidifies himself as the second coming of the Bear. In turn, five players get arrested on the strip while celebrating the big win.
Tampons 48 - Catamounts (seriously!) 0

Ole Miss at Memphis - Ole Miss squeezed by this perennial powerhouse last year 28-25 on national TV, which made Orgeron one of the most feared coaches in the land. But this year, the game is in Memphis' house. You don't come into their house and beat them, unless you're Arkansas State, Tulsa, Southern Miss, UFC, Houston, Marshall, UAB, oh...and Ole Miss the year before by a landslide 4 points. Only a top-tier program like UAB can do the unthinkable by beating Memphis three years in a row. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Ole Miss will join them this Saturday.
Hotty-Toddlers 14 - Basketball School 13

Picking My Nose

God gave me my face, but he let me pick my nose. You know what else I like picking? How the SEC teams will do in conference before a single down has been played.

SEC East

1. Florida - Tebow better be the real deal because Florida is going to have to replace the majority of their defense this year. No worries, Tebow will have a nice target in Senior receiver, Caldwell. Look for Harvin to put up some big numbers on the ground as well.

2. South Carolina - South Carolina is going to surprise some people this year. They were in every ballgame last season except for one and are returning 10 returning starters on defense. Everyone is talking about Tebow and Woodson, but Mitchell is no chopped liver. When he's on his game, he's a definite threat. And NEVER underestimate the Ole Ball Coach.

3. Tennessee - Ainge is going to have a hard time finding a receiver with a lot of game experience, so Coker needs to step it up. That's going to be tough with a subpar offensive line. Will Cutcliffe be the difference UT's offense needs?

4. Kentucky - Woodson is good, but not good enough to compensate for lack of talent on Kentucky's defense. They are returning several starters on that side of the ball, but keep in mind that Kentucky's defense was one of the worst in the country last year.

5. Georgia - Georgia's defense was ranked 8th in the nation last year. Too bad they're only returning three starters. On top of that, Paul Oliver will be ineligible to play. This will be a rebuilding season for UGA.

6. Vanderbilt - It would be nice if Vanderbilt proved me wrong on this one. After all, they do have most of their defense returning. Everyone wants them to succeed.

SEC West

1. LSU - LSU will have the top defense in the SEC. This will be enough to compensate for problems that could emerge on offense. Flynn has been a career backup. Will he bring enough to the table for LSU? A favorable home schedule should have them winning the West easily.

2. Auburn - If Lester, and Cox can stay healthy, Auburn will have a good season despite their grueling away schedule. This might prove difficult considering the lack of experience on the offensive line. Auburn's defense will be the second best in the SEC.

3. Arkansas - The stable is full, but there is no real quarterback to act as a decoy. Couple this with a relatively inexperienced line, and you can expect every team to stack the box against them this year. McFadden might have put the nail in the coffin by appearing on the SI cover.

4. Alabama - If the current trend continues, half of the Bama squad will have seen the inside of the Tuscaloosa jail by the end of the season. Saban will be the factor in winning close games, but Bama's weak offensive line and running game will keep Wilson scrambling all season long.

5. Ole Miss - Ole Miss will have one of the stronger offensive lines in the SEC West. However, they will have to replace all of their linebackers. Orgeron just doesn't seem to get it done. This year won't be any different.

6. Mississippi State - Even with 10 returning starters on offense, they will still end in last place in the West. MSU should be able to beat Gardner-Webb, whoever the hell that is.

The Doctor Ordered It

This is just what the internet needs, another sports blog. I give it two or three weeks before I lose interest, and move onto something else.